Sibling Rivalry and Moving; How to Keep Family Unity
Sibling rivalry is a type of competition or animosity among children, blood-related or not.
Siblings generally spend more time together during childhood than they do with parents. The sibling bond is often complicated and is influenced by factors such as parental treatment, birth order, personality, and people and experiences outside the family.
The above definition from Wikipedia pertains in many cases to the differing view points of children as to how to best care for their aging parents. I have had the honor to work with many families who have struggled through the process of helping parents transition from single family home living to a senior apartment or community. In the end, the majority of the siblings I work with have one goal and that is to make sure their parents or parent is safe and secure with the best quality of life. As in the above definition of sibling rivalry, there are complicated connections to brother and sister, and in those relationships confusion and sometimes disagreements may occur when trying to help mom and dad.
So many decisions have to be made when a home is no longer working for the older adult. Many of my seniors choose not to involve their children. Some will not make any decisions without involving at least one child. Some want a consensus of all children before deciding what their best options are. You can see that one size does not fit all when families move towards a change such as a move to new housing.
To add to the complex family dynamics, often one of the children of seniors are left to help with most or all decisions for their parents and are then subject to criticism from their other siblings. In other situations, siblings living in other cities or states tend to want solutions quickly based on a holiday visit. When one is away, and not seeing mom or dad on a daily basis, physical changes become much more pronounced. The result is a feeling of urgency to get mom or dad immediately out of an unhealthy situation, leaving much of the work to the brother or sister closest to mom or dad. This situation can lead to damaged relationships and lasting animosity between siblings.
It is so important for families to get together and not only talk, but more importantly to listen to one another. It is especially critical to understand the parent’s feelings, fears, anxieties and wishes for their future. All too often, the children of older adults make assumptions based on their lives and their experiences when making statements and suggestions to siblings and their parents. Parents become frustrated with their children when solutions and goals are determined without the input of the person actually moving. Many of my senior clients tell me that their children mean well and want the best for their safety and well being but don’t understand how they feel about moving to a new environment. They don’t and can’t understand how overwhelming thoughts of moving, downsizing, and living in an unknown environment can be. It is especially challenging when they have been in their homes for so many years living independently from their children.
As you can see, families are complex relationships between people who genuinely love one another and want the best for each other’s well being. Children want their parents to thrive with safety and security in mind. Parents want to remain vital and also want their health needs met in a safe and secure environment. All in the family may have the same goal in mind, but have differing paths to get to that end result.
The bottom line is listening to one another. Start a conversation with family members today! Children of older adults should meet and discuss each other’s feelings about their parent’s well being, and parents should openly share their feelings with their children. These conversations can never start too early. The most difficult moves come at a time when urgency trumps time for discussion. Crisis management doesn’t allow for weeks or months of discussion. Decisions have to be made on the spot and that is when relationships can truly suffer. Family unity and harmony is the goal of every child or parent, so take time out to listen and understand one another so that sibling rivalry can be left to childhood memories!
Tags: Brother, Help, moving, parents, Rivalry, siblings, Sister